A FEW WORDS FROM THE VISIONARY STEVEN WRIGHT:
All those who believe in psychokinesis raise my hand.
I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.
OK, so what's the speed of dark?
How do you tell when you're out of invisible ink?
If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.
Support bacteria - they're the only culture some people have.
When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.
Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.
Everyone has a photographic memory. Some just don't have film.
Many people quit looking for work when they find a job.
I intend to live forever - so far, so good.
Join the Army, meet interesting people, kill them.
Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
Dancing is a perpendicular expression of a horizontal desire.
When I'm not in my right mind, my left mind gets pretty crowded.
What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
I used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out.
If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
If at first you don't succeed, then skydiving definitely
isn't for you.
A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.
Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
The severity of the itch is proportional to the reach.
To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.
You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.
The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.
The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up.
A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never tried before.
Change is inevitable....except from vending machines.
A fool and his money are soon partying.
Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow.
If you think nobody cares about you, try missing a couple of payments.
Drugs may lead to nowhere, but at least it's the scenic route.
Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.
Borrow money from pessimists-they don't expect it back.
A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
On the other hand, you have different fingers.
My theory of evolution is that Darwin was adopted.
Someone sent me a postcard picture of the earth.
On the back it said, "Wish you were here."
Cross country skiing is great if you live in a small country.
I spilled spot remover on my dog. Now he's gone.
If you're not part of the solution, you're part of the precipitate.
"Did you sleep well?" "No, I made a couple of mistakes."
My socks DO match. They're the same thickness.
Officer, I know I was going faster than 55MPH, but I wasn't going to be on the road an hour.
I used to work in a fire hydrant factory. You couldn't park anywhere near the place.
I went to the hardware store and bought some used paint. It was in the shape of a house. I also bought some
batteries, but they weren't included.
What's another word for Thesaurus?
When I get real bored, I like to drive downtown and get a great parking spot, then sit in my
car and count how many people ask me if I'm leaving.
When I was crossing the border into Canada, they asked if I had any firearms with me. I said,
"Well, what do you need?"
You can't have everything. Where would you put it?
A lot of people are afraid of heights. Not me, I'm afraid of widths.
If you were going to shoot a mime, would you use a silencer?